Day 1....
11am. Jog, coffee, provigil. Let's go. Locked and loaded. $500. 3 team parlay Murray St., K. State, Louisville for $100. I hit Louisville and K. State for $100 each 2nd half. K. State and Murray St. cruise. Fucking guy from Louisville misses 14 free throws in the final minute. They win my 7 and I push for the game, 2nd half a loser. My 3 teamer becomes 2. I win $260 on the parlay and push on the 2nd half bets. Plus $250.
I la la la love Marquette and the over. I watched BYU play in the play in game and they are garbage and have a bunch of Mormon fellows who won't be able to guard the Marquette's. I bang both first half and game for $150 and hit a 3 team parlay with Montana, Cuse, and Marquette for $100. I hit all 4 on the Marquette's. $600. Parlay's a loser. I'm up $750 and looking at $1250 as I run out the door a half an hour late, refusing to leave my coach until the Marquette's was over.
Love Vandy! I buy the Madness App and sit my phone down on the bar in front of me. I'll be making drinks and staring at my phone for the next couple weeks. Vandy! I saw them play once this year when they beat Kentucky in the final of the SEC Championship Game and now I think they're the best team in the field. I have them in the final game with NC. State. If this happens I'll win every bracket contest and make $2.5 million. I don't feel bad about it. I bang Vandy first half and game for $200 and hit Kentucky first half for $200. Vandy cruises and and Kentucky hits a 3 in the last 10 seconds. They win by 19 laying 17. Llllllllllllocked.
$1850.
Indiana is another team I like to go far. I have them in the Final Four. I hit them first half and game for $300 and hit Colorado first and game for $150. I bet a three team parlay with UCONN for $150. Bang bang... $900 on the win bets but a loser with the parlay as UCONN is a dump without the greatest college basketball player of all time--my main man Kemba Walker. Fuck them. $2500.
Day 2....
Jog, coffee, out of Provigil, call my shrink. N.C. fucking State leads off the card. $500 game and $250 first half. EASY WINNER THEY ARE GONNA WIN ME $2.5MIL!... fucking 3 team parlay for $200 a loser. $3050.
The Georgetown Hoyas are my other Final Four team. They're playing Belmont who are the darling of the media. The squares have pushed the line down to 2. Hoyas by 2? Fuuuuuuuuuck You! $500 game and $500 first half. They cruise. I like MIZZOU. Not to cover. I just like the way they play--they just run around and shoot the shit out of it--so I'll bet them every game. $500 and $250. Loser loser. Mich St. is one of my squads. I hit them for $500 and $250. Winner winner. I dick around with a few other games just to watch, which are all losers. My 5 team parlay for $150 is a loser. $3550.
Day 3....
Snooze, snooze, snooze, water, advil, coffee, provigil, fuck jogging. I miss the first few games and bang Vandy for $1000 straight. They cover by 1. Louisville is inexplicably a 2 point favorite over New Mexico. New Mexico? The Lobos? Fuck them. $1000 on the Ville. I hit Indiana for $500. Ville cruises. Indy wins with no cover. 4 fucking K.
Day 4....
Snooze, snooze, shake an empty bottle of advil, coffee, walk around Whole Foods, coffee, provigil, couch, blanket. I hit Michigan St. and Creighton for $500 each. Michigan misses 18 free throws in the last minute and the everyone on Creighton has a heart attack midway through the second half. The only game I like late is Purdue. I go $500 first and $1000 game. I always bet against Kansas. Always. Kansas and Duke. I've never bet on either of them. This has probably cost me $100K in the last 20 years. I almost spill a vodka tonic on my phone. My boss busts my balls about the phone when we're 3 deep at the bar. I slide the phone to the customer in front of me until the bastard gets out of my face. Purdue covers. $4400 after the first round. Word ups.
SWEET SIXTEEN
Day 1....
Night games. 11 Stellas. $5700 after fucking around with the NBA for a week and withdrawing $1000 to for rent, phone, and a fucking hanger steak. I run with Michigan St., Cuse, and the Marquette's for $500 around and parlay them for $300. Loser, loser, loser, loser. $3900.
Day 2....
Night. I hit a bar and behind it is this hot fucking redhead I met 2 years ago a crawfish boil. She was with a 6' 5'' 280 pound tight end for the Saints--who's name I'll refrain from revealing. I was drunk and ridiculous and I think in the three minutes we conversed while the Tight End was grabbing a plate of dogs I repeatedly said to her, "I'm better than him." That's about all I can remember. 14 Stellas and screaming, pleading, demanding the redhead turn this TV on this and put the volume on that and by the end of the night we both HATE EACH OTHER! She ends up becoming the worst person I've ever met, which is unfortunate because she's single and fucking smokin'. $500 Indiana, N.C. State, and Ohio and a bunch of other shit--every first and second half and parlays everywhere. Winner, winner, loser as Indiana fucks me. All in all I lose $900. $3000.
DAY 3....
3pm. Shower, toothbrush, cab, work, Mexi-Coke. I put $1000 each on Louiville and Ohio St.--Fuck it. My phone is on the bar and I'm stirring up Mojitos for these suburban broads. Whenever my manager is lurking around I toss the bevi-nap over the phone. Fucking Louisville is getting crushed as Florida won't miss. I start shooting chartreuse by myself. Then they make a ridiculous comeback in the final few minutes and win by 4. I'm 3 deep at the bar as I'm either fucking up a cocktail or ignoring these broads. My boss is just staring at me from across the bar shaking his head, resigned to the inevitability of my actions. The Buckeyes roll and I'm able to make Mojitos and chat these broads up. I'm blacked out behind the bar by midnight. $5000.
Day 4....
Pain. Couch. The games are no brainers. $1000 each on Kansas and Kentucky. Kentucky is playing fraud Baylor. Easy winners. $7000.
Here we are 2 days away from the Final Four. There's also 18 races at the Fairgrounds on Friday including the Kentucky Oaks. Love the fucking Oaks. On Saturday before the Final Four there's the Louisiana Derby. I plan on being at the Fairgrounds for 10 hours on Friday and 6 on Saturday then going downtown and buying scalped tickets for these fucking games. I withdrew $3000 today for these fucking tickets along with a suit, steaks, and strippers. I've already put in my bets for the games. $2000 on Louisville catching the 8.5 and $2000 on Ohio State laying the 2.5. If these games win and I hit a superfecta or 8, this weekend has potential to be the best fucking weekend of my life. Bang bang.
